*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar