Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Every work call, he judges.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*pronounces surface like Versace*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?