Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.