Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.