Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?