ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You Might Also Like
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.