ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me, flirting😏
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
saving face 👀
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.