women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Who did it better?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.