Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS