me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
New Tinder profile.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine