me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
dictator is short for richard potato
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.