Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.