Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
They must have gotten it to go.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*