Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
A short story about romance.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
😂💯
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.