Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You Might Also Like
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.