Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Netflix: We have Less
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.