@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@itchyturtle: Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he's called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.
@bencoffeehall: If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
@joci2203: "Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe"
-straight up killin' it at this parenting thing
@ScottLinnen: Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break.
@michaelianblack: Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!