@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@slimmy_shady: If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
@G_Faylor: [Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
@OtherDanOBrien: Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy's name attached? Why aren't plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
@slimmy_shady: She told me she'd do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
@tastefactory: Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.