@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor's bedroom looks like a giant doily.
@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
@fro_vo: please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch's middle initial is Q
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@InternetHippo: Look, if you didn’t want to go to prison you should’ve started a war or destroyed the economy. But you downloaded a movie, you felon