@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@_davidlucas_: My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
@psybermonkey: When my Uncle died the obituary said that he 'passed away in the warmth of his own home.'
It was a house fire.
@realHamOnWry: Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
@kmdk83: I'm giving up my husband for Lent.
@TheKenyan_: I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.