@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@PandAmonnia: *boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: "Hey Babe, I love you!"
Gf: "we're breaking up"
Bf: "no we're not, I can hear you just fine."
@Shock_Monster: This alcohol tastes like there's a sock getting lucky tonight.
@Petote: My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
@mamatomy3: My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
@BruppFWTX: "A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer ."