@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@2014longview: Cop pulled me over said "papers"
I replied with "scissors, I win" and drove off.
Now I'm doing hard time on the rock.
@AGreaterMonster: Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they're frosted.
@bridger_w: The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
@MollySneed: I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
@BooFricketyHoo: That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.