@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@phranqueigh: "You're not like the other girls."
"Yeah, that's pretty much how this works. We're literally all different ones."
@iGreenMonk: Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach's like "what if you die tomorrow?" and I'm like "good point" and I have a whole pizza.
@Adityaneut01: Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy :P
@MamaFizzles: I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.