@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@panmidwest: COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn't yours
ME: you said "some"
COP: lol wow good point you're free to go
@treywafer: Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we'll stop Eddie Murphy.
@theshamingofjay: A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
@TheTweetOfGod: Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners
@pinupteacher: Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.