@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
@BadJordon: [SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@FeelingMervis: UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.
@living_marble: Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It's an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?