@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@BuckyIsotope: TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
@SteveSuckington: ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she's a cat
@Jamie1947: A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I've lost my balance.
@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."
@brandynwiththey: Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.