[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.