Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”