*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Britain be like
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me