me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”