Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Venn
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.