Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
No Google it does not
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away