Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.