She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.