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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.