Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
You Might Also Like
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Gemma Correll
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name