Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS