ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
me irl
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Breaking news:
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
#FunnyLife Insects
guilty
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.