Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Did…did a minotaur write this
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”