Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You Might Also Like
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Is your wife single?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
If I ignore life will it go away?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?