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@amandajpanda: Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala]
Waiter: "what can I get u?"
"do u have any eucalyptus?"
*restaurant goes quiet*
@KentWGraham: I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
@KalvinMacleod: As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
@rzarosco: If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
@JessG828: Kid just asked "why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle." I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!