It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.