me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
these two trucks have the same bed length
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.