[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
we all know this pain all too well
😂 amazing answer
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I really had high hopes for this year though
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.