Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
You Might Also Like
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.