I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.