ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You Might Also Like
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.