Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Oh deer
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.