ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You Might Also Like
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*