Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues