Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
mentally somewhere in italy
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time