Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My love language is hissing.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco