HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?