Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*