Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.