Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
One venti cheeseburger please.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir