Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Breaking news:
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories