I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
This took me a second..
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.