Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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RT if you could go either way.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.