me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
cyclists
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Simple
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?