Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine